I've got to hand it to Kiki. Our old husky dog really knows how to execute a good guilt trip. She's not speaking to me right now. She's spent most of the day sulking on our bed sighing whenever I enter the room in a, "I can't even look at you," manner.
And I don't I blame her. No, I really don't blame her at all.
I've participated in something terrible, you see, and I need to fess up. Confess my sins and seek retribution from my 11-year-old guardian angel who walks this Earth disguised as an ordinary dog. I'm sorry Kiki! So very sorry!
So here is my confession:
Last week April and I took our other dog, Jordan, to the vet. Jordan is a feisty Yorkshire Terrier born with a slight heart murmur that initially forced us to decide against having him "fixed" as a puppy. The doctor feared Jordan might not survive the surgery. Last week the doctor announced that Jordan's heart murmur is officially gone. He's one hundred percent healthy.
Jordan didn't know it, but this was actually bad news for the little guy. You see, April and I have discovered that when you don't have a male puppy "fixed," it grows into a male dog that spends every waking second chewing things up, breaking valuables, barking incessantly, and trying to run away. Sometimes several of these things simultaneously. It's really remarkable actually. And by "remarkable" I mean "gawdawful horrible."
After spending the past two months chasing Jordan around the neighborhood, trying to get him to stop barking in the middle of the night and using our furniture as chew toys, we seized an opportunity to calm the little guy down. Ahem.
This morning April snagged Jordan's leash from the closet and executed the ultimate act of betrayal. Little Jordan obliviously jumped into the car and off they drove. Reality eluded Jordan in until he spotted the vet's office, but by then it was too late. His date with destiny sealed.
I missed all of this. I was sleeping peacefully in my comfy bed until a shockingly cold husky nose burrowed deep into my back. I jumped out of my superhero dreams and slowly opened my eyes. Kiki sat mere inches away from my face, her brown husky eyes staring at me coldly.
"He's gone. What ... have... you... DONE!," those eyes demanded.
I rolled over, trying in vain to return to my dreamland escapades with Wonder Woman, when a cold husky nose assaulted my back once again.
I sat up and gave her a consoling pat on the head. "It's alright Kiki," I lied. "Jordan is with Mommy. He'll be fine."
Kiki and I have been living together since college and she knows when I'm merely humoring her. She is far above such childish antics. She jumped off the bed in a flourish, seeming to say "I know he's gone, I know something bad is happening, and it's all your fault!!"
That's when it hit me. Crap! I've just committed the ultimate guy sin. It's right there in the bible - "No man shalt send a fellow man off to have thoust manhood slane."
Guilt rushed through me like a tsunami. How could I do such a thing? I cringed every time I thought about it. Thought about little Jordie and the snipping and the cutting. It's too horrible! Make it stop!
I wish I could say the guilt has subsided this afternoon, but I'm still feeling like I've betrayed my fellow man. I know it's for the best. The last time Jordan ran away, after chewing off his tag collar, I went to Michael's school to ask if anybody had seen him. The school is located right next to our house.
The nice lady at the crosswalk responded, "You mean that cute little Yorkie? No I haven't seen him today."
So Jordan has become somewhat "known" by the neighbors. That is never a good sign. I know April and I are doing the right thing, but I can't get over the guilt. And Kiki is not helping.
Not helping at all!
Guard those jewels kiddies.
- Dave
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