I'm so "That Guy"

I heard an interesting advertisement while cruising around in the Matrix the other day. The smooth tones of Owen Wilson burst through my speakers, telling me all about my failings when it comes to automotive maintenance.

"Don't be that guy!" Mr. Wilson implored. "You know, the guy who has three different kinds of cooking oils in his kitchen, but has no idea about the oil in his car."

I'm fairly sure Mr. Wilson read this voice-over while receiving a pedicure and sipping a latte, but I digress.

I take umbrage Mr. Wilson! I am definitely "That Guy," and after several decades of denial and guilt I have finally come to terms with this fact. I have finally realized that I am completely incompetent when it comes to "manly" tasks and there ain't a dang thing I can do about it! I proudly sit here this morning and announce to all the world that I am in fact a wuss. I cannot change my oil. I cannot fix the roof. I cannot chop wood. I cannot hunt for food. Charles Ingalls would definitely kick my butt as soon as he finished strangling a Grizzly with his bare hands.

You see that picture in the corner? The one with Mr. Manlypants holding a wrench and flexing. Well, that's definitely not me. I'm actually not pictured here. I'm the guy sitting in the waiting room reading about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's latest trip to Starbucks in "People" magazine. They say it takes all types, and I'm just the "type" that runs in fear from tools and grease and other icky stuff.

So back off Mr. Wilson! It's taken me 31 years to come to terms with my wussiness, and I don't need movie stars like you giving me crap about it!! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment at Big-O Tires this afternoon. I hope they've got the new issue of "US Weekly." Are Brad and Angelina really breaking up? I don't know! I just don't know!

Remember to change your oil every 3,000 miles kiddies.

- Dave