It's Business Time

For some crazy reason the powerful ones at my church have decided to appoint me to the Board of Directors. Yeah me. As in, "the guy who once nearly set off a nuclear catastrophe at a football game by microwaving a hot dog completely wrapped in aluminum foil." Ah, the smoke ... the flames ... the screaming. Such memories.

Anyway, after taking in my lounge act and reviewing my astounding resume (5 BCS National Championships, 2 Super Bowl rings, an AL Central Championship on the playstation), the powerful ones saw fit to place me on the Board. I have as much business experience as your average preschooler. Scratch that. Michael has discovered a genuine flair for business with his new toy cash register. In just two weeks time the little guy has turned a non-existent business that produces exactly zero goods and services into $9 profit. Let's see Bill Gates do that!

I heard a rumor that my name was on the list of Board nominations last month, and I immediately deduced someone was having a great bit of fun with that joke. Then I received notice in the mail that I was indeed being appointed to the Board. It just goes to show that anybody, and I mean ANYBODY can accomplish something in this great nation of ours, kiddies.

So now instead of being "Stay-at-home-Dad puke," I can officially change my title to "Super important Board member Stay-at-home-Dad puke." Please hold your applause.

Unfortunately the story gets even better. Last night was my first official Board meeting with the powerful ones. I ventured out in the Green Machine and quickly found myself sitting in an actual conference room located inside the private office of a particularly powerful, powerful one. The office contained a gigantic wooden desk so essential to conference rooms. There were large, powerful looking black chairs and the obligatory patio door leading out to the fairway of a pristine golf course. Clearly I was in my element with my ripped jeans, two-day-old beard and Juicy Juice stains. But hey, I brought a notebook and a pen and everything!

Before the meeting started I promised myself that I would keep my eyes open and my mouth shut. I was going to play it cool, you see. Act like I attend board meetings all the time, and I definitely don't spend my days shopping at Winco and playing fantasy baseball.

Everything went well at first. The powerful ones pulled out their laptops, while I carefully removed the cap from my fountain pen. The incoming board president began the meeting with introductions, and before I knew it, we were knee deep in by-laws, strategic planning, organizational audits and several other terms I have no clue about.

Seeking a way to divert attention away from my "George Bush during a debate" face, I promptly offered the Board a sampling of my wisdom. I blurted out something I felt was quite brilliant at the time, but in retrospect probably sounded like, "I agree!." And that's when it happened. The Board members, obviously attempting to console the new guy, directed some positive responses my way. Little did they know that my lounge singer is always lurking just below the surface. All it takes is a few kudos and he's off and running.

You can guess the rest. My "Cantshutupitis" returned with a vengeance, and I proceeded to spend the next 2 hours and 59 minutes of our three hour meeting espousing my slightly controversial, occasionally horrific views on things that I really know nothing about. I opened my notebook and pounded my fist on the desk for emphasis. It wasn't until I broke out my box of Crayolas and my Etch-A-Sketch that I truly hit my stride. It was a sight to behold believe me!

When it was over the powerful ones picked their jaws up off the floor and exited the building in a rather hasty fashion. I boarded the Green Machine that evening with a rare sense of accomplishment. "This isn't so bad," I said to myself with a sly grin. "I think I might make a rather good Super important Board member stay-at-home Dad puke."

"Assuming I figure out what strategic planning is."

Stay beautiful kiddies! Call me, we'll do lunch!

- Dave