Let's culturize ya!

All right everybody, gather 'round the table. It's time for ole' Uncle Bud to read from the newspaper. Hey! Stop groaning. It's for your own good, now. Y'all need a little culture. Just let me slip on my spectacles ... there we go ... and we're off.

(Crinkling of paper as Bud sifts through the front page)

Mmmmm .... let's see now. Oh, here we go. It says here the honorable Rep. Steven Thayne has come out against regulations for daycare and preschool facilities in Idaho. Well I'll be! What's more, he's set up a "Family Task Force" to bring back the "traditional family values" of the 1950's. It appears our honorable representative and his buddies don't want women leaving the house. Don't get me started! He calls daycare a "free babysitting service" and says that families are best when Mommy stays home with the youngsters. Oh boy, check this out! He blames just about every bad thing he can think of on the fact that the "traditional" family's gone down the drain. Everything from gangs to drugs. You tell 'em Stevy!!

Now that reminds me. Ladies, you needn't worry your pretty little heads over these here news items. Why don't you step out of the room for a spell and check on the kids. Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, could you whip up some of them wonderful sandwiches. Stay beautiful, ya here!

(More crinkling as Uncle Bud resumes sifting)

Now, where was I. Oh yeah. Reading about how the world would be one big happy square dance if women would just stay home and take care of the kids. Boy we sure do have some unique thinkers in Idaho. Put Thayne next to Larry "wide stance" Craig, and Bill "I vote against health care for kids" Sali, and you've got yourself one pack of trail blazers! Yessirree!

Oh look, it says here that Thayne's son was arrested for domestic violence recently. Seems he gave his wife a little attitude adjustment when she called a guy on the TV "cute." Well, I guess "traditional" is as "traditional" does. Or something like that.

(A few snores erupt as several onlookers begin to drift off to dream land)

HEY ... WAKE UP .... I'M JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD PART

(Crinkling. Sifting)

Ah yes. Here we go .... baseball and fishing! The two most important subjects on God's green Earth. It says here that a "Mitchell Report" came out recently, accusing all kinds of major leaguers of juicing up with steroids. Well, no shit sherlock!! You mean those guys needed "help" to launch baseballs into orbit and return from "career-ending" injuries in three weeks? Really? Next you'll tell me this "Mitchell Report" found that adult entertainers also use "body enhancers" to up their performance. Or that when college football coaches scream, "I am NEVER leaving this school! I can't believe you would dare insinuate such a thing," it's actually an old Egyptian phrase that roughly translates to "Let's get this over with. I've got to get home and finish packing my bags, before departing under cover of night."

(More crinkling, sifting and snoring)

What was I talking about again? Oh well, let ole' Uncle Bud leave you with a little token of advice. This comes courtesy of the esteemed Patrick McManus.

Ahem ... "The two best times to fish is when it's rainin' and when it ain't."

Now where are those sandwiches?

AND ..... SCENE!

- Dave

(Be good kiddies)