I know you don't care, but ....

I have a number of updates for you guys. Some nice and tidy endings to several open-ended stories I've addressed in this space previously. So here goes ---

First of all, after many hours of pain and suffering, I finally convinced little Michael to wipe his own nose. That's right. I may have lost several battles along the way, but I came out victorious when the war was over. It's these small victories in life that keep the stay-at-home parent going. How did I do it? What was the brilliant strategy that finally brought glory back to the Union? That's easy. I did it the old fashioned way. I shamed him into it! I relayed several tear-jerking stories about going back to preschool and not being able to blow his nose. How the other kids would look down on him and the teachers would be disappointed. Truthfully, these stories had no effect on the stubborn little guy. What actually sealed the deal was a promise that Mommy would be "so proud" if he wiped his own nose. When he heard this, he immediately dropped his artillery and waved the white flag, despite the fact that he had my troops surrounded and beaten. So Mommy saves the day ... Again!

My second update deals with the previous blog entry about Ernest Hemingway. I've just finished reading "For Whom the Bell Tolls," and, yeah, it's not exactly a barrel of laughs. Unless you find guerrilla warfare with everyone calling each other fascists and violently slaying one another funny. I don't, but that's just me. Apparently I spoke too soon about Mr. Hemingway. His novel "The Sun Also Rises," is a tribute to frivolity and devil-may-care living. It stands as a shining beacon of soul-searching that the "Beat" generation of the 50's would expand upon and take to new heights. It's a lot like a European version of "On the Road," but of course it was written nearly 30 years before Jack Kerouac's masterpiece. I loved it!

Apparently this novel stands out a bit and is not exactly indicative of Hemingway's later work. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" is a brutally honest look at warfare and how futile it can be. The novel features characters giving their lives to "The Republic," even though they have no idea exactly what "The Republic" is. They simply follow orders without any knowledge of the big picture. They justify killing because they are following these orders. It's a tremendous novel. Just a whole lot different than my first impressions of Ole' Ernie.

I'm reading a book of his short stories right now, and his preoccupation with death and dying is quite evident. He also has a somewhat bleak view on life, and the ability for people to achieve true happiness. A tremendous author who challenges you. Just not the fun-loving dude I first envisioned.

So, now that I've got that misconception out of the way, I have one final update for you. It appears my "Star Wars" lounge singer escaped from his cage again. I know, I know. This is never good for anybody. But it really wasn't my fault this time! The Minister at my church, Elizabeth, decided to take a Sabbatical from January until August. She basically said, "Hey I'm taking off for a year, and I want you volunteers to run the entire church while I'm gone." Like an idiot I agreed to help out, and I've been working with guest speakers on a regular basis. Well, our guest speaker for last Sunday had to leave town at the last minute because of a family emergency. Three guesses who ended up speaking on the pulpit Sunday morning. That's right, Mr. "Starrrrrr Waaarrrrssss!!!" was back baby!! Complete with a karaoke machine and a new set of dancing shoes! I did manage to reign him in this time. I think there was only one jig danced and I believe I only shouted "thank ya, thank ya very much!" while making the Richard Nixon peace signs twice. It wasn't a pretty sight, but it was last minute and I don't believe it will happen again. Mr. Lounge singer is back in his cage safe and sound.

I hope this clears everything up kiddies!

- Dave

Goin' down in a blaze of glory

Have you ever heard the expression, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well, I'd like to add my own little contribution. Something like, "If your toddler has a cold and a fever, ain't nobody else happy neither!"

Yeah, that about sums up this past week. Our adorable little Michael contracted a nasty spring cold last Sunday evening. His nose sprung a permanent leak and his eyes turned a lovely shade of red. His voice raised three octaves and his thriving four-year-old vocabulary shrunk to just four words .... "I need a KLEENEX!!!"

I spent the entire week glued to Michael's side wiping his nose and drying his eyes. Oh, and there were plenty of tantrums to endure. Wouldn't want to forget about those! Lovely times all around, I assure you.

His fever lasted nearly three days and his nose insists on running non-stop even as I type this. After four days of continuous wiping, I finally crossed my fingers and initiated a showdown I had been putting off for some time. That's right -- I finally insisted that little Michael wipe his own nose!!

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Why wouldn't a kid nearly four years old wipe his own nose already?" My answer is that I am a terrible parent, and you are wonderful, and I could never live up to the lofty standards that you in all of your perfect glory have established ... NOW BACK OFF!!!

Okay, I feel better. So the showdown went down just like I imagined it. Michael proceeded to scream and cry for several hours, setting off a rash of 911 calls from the neighbors. Apparently they figured that amount of screaming could only be produced through sheer torture. Michael and I had several exchanges fit for a Hallmark card. Here's a sample:

Michael: "Daddy, I need a kleenex! I need a kleenex! I need a kleenex! I need a kleenex!"

Me: "Michael, get it yourself! Get it yourself! Get it yourself! Get it yourself!"

Can't you just hear the violins playing in the background? All we needed were some six-shooters and a dusty road in front of the old saloon. You can guess how this little showdown ended. That's right, I ended up wiping Michael's nose while simultaneously texting my shrink. It doesn't take long to figure out who wears the pants in this family!!

So that was my week. How was yours?

Keep the tissues handy kiddies!

- Dave